They're Not Taking Vampires Seriously!
by bioldrawings
Summary: When your little sister drags you to a girly movie, that sucks. When the movie makes a mockery of the Paranormal by spreading ridiculous lies about vampires? That's just too much. Twilight crosses the line for Dib, and Zim gets a dumb idea.
1. Arrival

Disclaimer – I own nothing!!!

(Author's Notes: I actually don't mind Twilight. I'm not a fan, but it gets kids reading and some of the concepts aren't half bad. Like vampires with **superpowers**. How awesome is that? This fic can basically be attributed to the fact that my little sister has seen New Moon like, **four times**, and it's getting kinda old. Also the fact that even if I can co-exist with Twilight fans, I bet Dib couldn't...)

**Arrival**

Dib shoved his hands deep into his trenchcoat pockets and tried to project the biggest sulk of his life.

Unfortunately, Gaz was immune to compassion and continued down the street.

Dib tried to catch her eye, which was hard with that squint, then decided to risk it.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Uh-huh."

"I could wait outside if you want..." please oh please let her say yes.

"I don't think so. I need you to carry my things."

"Oh."

He'd thought it had been bad last year. He was still having trouble coming to terms with this side of his scary sister. Why, why did Dad have to be working at the lab today of all days?

Well if he was going out, he was going out fighting.

"We could see District 9 again...?"

She zapped him with the glare of doom.

So much for that then.

Dib knew they were near the theatre now; scrunchies and glitter and pink things all scattered on the streets. It looked like some vengeful god had smashed an enormous girly piñata. And the screaming.

He remembered the screaming. Late at night it woke him into a cold sweat.

There were so many of them.

Girls. Short girls, tall girls, fat girls, skinny girls, girls of all races and religions, all colours and creeds. Some were queuing, some were chatting, some were dragging parents or siblings or reluctant boyfriends, and all of them were trying their hardest to shatter Dib's eardrums.

Dante must have forgotten to mention this circle of Hell. The lustful, the gluttonous, the traitors, Twilight fanatics had to be in there somewhere. He'd probably just avoided them; that's what Dib would have done, anyway.

Gaz finished her survey of the horde and began her approach. Dib sighed.

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

He followed.

Gaz paused at the outer fringe of the crowd. He reached her side and gazed at her quizzically. She grunted, took his arm, and advanced.

Four minutes and several possibly fatal injuries to unfortunate movie-going bystanders later, Dib found himself hauled in front of the clichéd spotty teenager manning the entrance booth.

Well, if he was going to get out, this was his last chance.

Almost as if she had heard his thoughts, Gaz twisted his arm hard.

"!"

She released him. With his uninjured arm he snatched the tickets from the smirking kid.

"It doesn't start for another forty minutes you know."

He heard Gaz's patience snap.

"_**WHAT?!"**_

Dib turned and ran. He shoved through the throng of squealing girls and broke through to reach the open street, leaned against a wall and panted. He could swear he'd heard an explosion, and the screams from the entrance seemed more terrified than jubilant.

Someone tapped his shoulder. He screamed and spun around, falling over in his haste. A large box of assorted junk food was dropped into his lap. Gaz looked down on him with disdain, which was actually pretty positive from her.

"The ticket selling kid?"

"I obliterated him."

"Okay. And the snacks?"

Gaz shrugged.

Dib pulled himself to his feet and hauled the box up resignedly. It had a strap, Gaz must have got it from one of the staff, but he wasn't going to ask her to confirm that. At least that made it easy to carry.

He was adjusting it when he saw Zim.

In his human disguise, with GIR in that dumb looking dog suit.

"ZIM!" He shouted automatically.

The alien jumped and glared at him, he reached behind his back for a weapon...

Wait, no, not reaching for something. Trying to hide what was in his hand...

But Dib saw.

Two tickets, the very likeness of the two Dib himself had in his pocket.

"You... You're here to see New Moon?!"

He went to approach Zim, to do what he wasn't sure, when Gaz's hand clamped around his arm again.

"Wait. That dog..."

"Zim's robot? What about him?"

"I have to destroy him."

Dib smiled, "yeah! I'll get Zim, you grab GIR and do... whatever you did to Cousin Ricky when he broke your GameSlave 300! Finally Gaz, you and me, united against the extraterrestrial menace!"

She twisted his arm again.

"Araaagh! Why?!"

"Forget your stupid thing with Zim, Dib. This is a real war. That dog... he's team Jacob."

"I- what?!"

But Gaz was gone. She honed in on GIR and the robot, in an uncharacteristic moment of sense, started running. Dib was left alone with just a tray of snacks, his alien nemesis, and four-hundred Twilight fans for company.

He sidled up to Zim.

"Sooo..."

"Humph." Zim crossed his arms.

Probably best to come right with it, "didn't have you pegged as a Twilight fan, Zim," he smiled.

Zim glanced sidelong at him, "GIR wanted to come."

And just like that, Dib had empathy. "Oh yeah, Gaz dragged me along too."

The crowd reached a new level of cacophony and the pair turned to them.

"Filthy humans, screeching and writhing in your... filth!"

"Huh, yeah, you should have seen it last year when the first one came out. The entire city was gridlocked, and they say there's even more of them this year."

Zim turned to him, curiosity brightening his eyes through the contacts.

"You mean this is an Earth tradition? A pilgrimage of some kind? Will there be a live sacrifice?"

Dib didn't like the way he asked that last one, but it probably couldn't hurt to talk to him. It was either Zim or Gaz anyway.

"You don't know Twilight? But you said GIR-"

As if summoned the crazy robot appeared; pushing them aside. He turned back and yelled: "Edward is a big stupid dookie head! Solidarity for the canine brothers! All my iguanas have exploding purple toes!" and promptly disappeared again, followed by a snarling Gaz.

The pair watched their respective sidekicks vanish into the crowd. Zim broke the silence.

"So this... twilight thing. In what manner do you worship?"

Dib sighed into his tray, "we don't, Zim. Well, Gaz maybe, and a few- well most of the girls and some of their moms, okay. But it's not a religion, just some dumb books that got made into some dumb films that Gaz keeps dragging me out to see."

"I see, but why? What is it about these "dumb" things that drives the hideous dirt-children into such a disgusting frenzy of noise and sweat?"

Eeeew. Dib tried to erase that last part from his mind, "I don't know, Zim. But it scares me."

The noise reached a fever pitch. Zim was suddenly thrown to the ground as GIR slammed into his head.

"Yaaay it's starting! The moment of the rapture is at hand, and only the true believers will survive the fire and destruction! Lets go get popcorn!"

As the demented machine dragged Zim's possibly unconscious form towards the doors Dib felt a sudden drop in temperature.

"Uhh, ready to go Gaz?"

She snatched his bruised arm and they entered once more into the breach. Zim may have been on the wrong track with the whole religious thing, but Dib did offer up a prayer as he passed through the doors.


	2. Entrenched

**Entrenched**

Against all experience, Dib's hopes where rising. The place was packed, and Gaz had been unable to intimidate any Twihards from their chairs, which was unprecedented and having an interesting effect on her temper. Maybe they'd get to leave after all.

Dib was naturally suspicious of good fortune.

"You'd better not embarrass me like you did last year."

Now that was unfair, "come on Gaz! I'm a paranormal investigator, I can't ignore it when people feed false information about dangerous monsters to impressionable children!"

"We almost got kicked out because of you! If you do it again, I will murder you in your sleep."

That was pretty dark, even for Gaz, and Dib should really have left it there. But his honour was at stake here! The people had to know!

"Gaz, what if a real live vampire burst into this room right now? Everyone would be all gooey over it, trying to make it glitter and quoting _Romeo and Juliet_ nonsensically, and then BAM," he pounded his fist against the side of the snack tray, "bloodbath!"

Gaz considered the word 'bloodbath'. It was really attractive right now.

But her attention was diverted elsewhere. While Dib was trying to ward off a trio of kids attempting to buy ice-cream from him, her Twihard-sense was tingling.

There. The foolish robot-dog thing. The heretic. She would rain righteous fire down upon the little beast-

But there were empty chairs next to it. Nobody appeared to want to sit next to the dog vomiting popcorn and the green child demanding to know if the High Priest of the Squealing Females would let him borrow the large intestine of the sacrifice once they'd finished with it ("not that I want to create a giant intestine worm capable of devouring an entire city, I need it for... uh... PIE! Yes, I am in desperate need of intestines for my human meat pie. Yes. Pie. That is a normal human thing for a normal human such as myself to be doing.")

Gaz forced down her pride. Yanking her stupid brother along, she moved to the empty space and dropped him into a chair before settling herself down.

There was a tall person in front of her, but they left when the hair on the back of their head started to smoulder.

Dib was not as annoyed at being continually dragged hither and thither as he was about being deposited into a chair next to Zim. The two sat in silence for a moment, but Dib was anxious to talk to someone who wasn't babbling wholly innacurate facts about vampires.

"Hehe, I'd offer you some snacks but they'd probably poison you since, you know, you're an alien and all."

Wow, this was uncomfortable.

Zim seemed to be sulking.

"Zim?"

"You try to mock Zim?"

"I just-"

"Explain this pointless excercise to Zim!"

"I already did! It's a series of stories about vampires and werewolves and romance and stuff. It's very popular."

"And yet you don't like it?"

"The paranormal should be left to the experts. Besides, it's... girly."

"'Girly'?"

"Yeah it's... not exactly aimed at guys."

"Aimed? Interesting. Could it perhaps be aimed at a military installation and unleashed to cause untold chaos?"

"Does your species only hear every fourth word or something? Oww!"

The carton bounced to the floor. Dib met Gaz's infuriated gaze.

"Quiet. It's starting."

Zim leaned forward and tried to focus. Dib leaned back and tried to sleep.

*

Dib's hand was stuck in some of the gooey stuff that always turned up wherever GIR stayed for any length of time.

Zim turned to him.

"I believe I have learned all I need to know about this... vampire thingy. It's been fun Dib but I must return to my base to process this data. I will conquer your world and destroy you and so on. See ya."

Dib pulled at the sticky.

"I wouldn't do that, Zim."

He started counting in his head. When he reached fourteen the screaming started then abruptly stopped.

Zim opened the door again and almost lost his wig to the gust of squeaking breath. When he opened it a third time they actually snatched at him, and he came away glittery. He slammed the door shut and leaned on it for good measure before returning to where the Dib human was looking bored.

"They're everywhere. A wall of impenetrable girly."

Dib nodded. "Last year I had to put off using the uh... bathroom for the entire film."

Zim stretched his arms behind his head.

" So... how much longer is this thing?"

"Two hours."

*

"Oh come on! She drove them off! Why is she moping about it?!"

"Dib! I told you not to do this!"

"I've been trying to defeat the supernatural for years, getting beat up and knocked out and she gets _one little paper cut_ and that sends all the vampires running for the hills-"

"_Sit down_ , Dib!"

"It's like this movie is taunting me! Like it was made specifically just to make me look really stupid-"

THWACK

*

"So her boyfriend goes away and she just does nothing for three months?"

"Heh, you humans are so pitiful, with your emotional dependence on others. Pathetic."

"But master, what about that time when Dib went to Florida?"

"When I went to see Aunt Suzy? What about it?"

"The master was all sad. He just sat on the couch all day."

"GIR! I order you to be quiet!"

"And he counted out the days on this little bitty chart."

"GIR!"

"And then we found some hair stuck to one of the robo-parents and tried to clone you, only it was-"

"SHUT UP GIR!"

Already awkward, conversation became notably more stilted after that.

*

"Yes, YES!!! Tear her apart like stale bread!"

"Zim, what are you-"

"Perhaps I misjudged these 'vampires', all that lurve stuff may be icky, but their leaders understand how to keep order."

"Great Zim, but if you'd just-"

"DIB! Your stupid friend is ruining the movie!"

"He's not my friend and I'm trying to-"

"WHAT?! Why are they releasing her! Oh these foolish creatures! Any Tallest with half a brain would have had them all fed to the rat people by now!"

"Zim, sit down and-"

TWACK!

"WHY ME?!"

*

They left the theatre, Dib nursing his injuries, and while the purple-haired demon child and the pocket-lint-brained robot resumed their idealogical war the alien and the paranormal investigator stood under a lamp post, side by side.

Dib was first to break the silence.

"Well, that was one bad movie, huh?"

The green 'child' raised a non-existent eyebrow.

"Zim thought it was... interesting."

"Yeah?"

Dib tried to read something from Zim's expression. He appeared to be deep in thought.

Maybe he could coax him into conversation?

"Well, it is very popular."

"Yesss."

Oh. He knew **that** affirmative.

"What are you planning, Zim?"

Zim's mouth twitched up to reveal those weird zipper teeth, and Dib primed his internal dictaphone to record the details from the alien's inevitable exposition speech.

"What is it, Zim? Something to do with that stupid movie?"

Suddenly he felt his spine trying to crawl around to his front.

"Oh shhh-"

Gaz dragged him into the shadows.

Zim stared after the pair. He was frustrated at having lost a chance to express his genius to the human, but the Dib-sister was scary. Oh well, he would know soon enough...

Building up his megalomaniac laugh, Zim disappeared into the night.

Coming back two minutes later to steal GIR back from the pair of human smeets who'd decided to adopt the cute little green doggie kinda took the edge off the evil exit, though.


	3. Aftermath

**Aftermath**

"You know Gaz, this whole thing has got me thinking."

Gaz didn't turn away from the bleeping screen of her Gameslave 2, but she grunted enough to indicate that her older brother could talk for a little while without fear of sudden grievous bodily harm.

"I mean, no two people like the exact same things, everyone has different tastes. We shouldn't let that distract us from the important things in life. I mean, I **am** trying to save the whole world from a hostile alien life-form, and that does include all the Twilight fans."

She picked up an extra life and upgraded her nail cannon. Behind her she heard movement, and Dib's voice came a little louder.

"And if someone were to look at it, without all the proper information of course, they might even say that I had more in common with, with **Zim** than with, say, you. What I'm trying to say is, it's not what books you read or what movies you watch that make you a good or bad or smart or stupid person, it's whether or not you want to destroy the planet and enslave the population."

The last waves of the zombie piggies fell, and Gaz smiled. Now she had a clear path straight to the final boss.

"And maybe at the end of the day I should just let people have their fun and not be a jerk to them. After all, the haters always whine about how the fans define their identity by the series, but if all you do is moan about that series, aren't you defining yourself by it, too?"

The pixelated foe crumbled into dust, and she signed her name on the scoreboard. G-A-Z. She only ever had to play a game once.

"Uh, Gaz...?"

"What?"

"So... can I come out of the dumpster now?"

*

A superior alien intellect can accomplish a lot in a short space of time. Zim placed the remote carefully on the armrest, and arranged the books opposite.

He held the pitiful human writing tool in one hand, and straightened the page of the notebook.

"Alright GIR, let us begin."

*

Dib wouldn't have seen the thing if he hadn't been trying so hard to avoid that creepy shop assistant who kept trying to steal his coat.

It was obviously not part of the shop's stock. It was wedged haphazardly between two bloated biology textbooks. It was made of scraps of paper stapled together. And, of course, it was labelled:

ZIMs amAzing LOVE story with spoOoky creatures

by ZIM

*

He'd asked dad not to call unless it was an emergency. He'd fetched a supply of food and water to last hours if necessary. He'd checked to immediate vicinity for any sign of Gaz. Twice. Finally Dib barricaded himself in his room, sat at his desk, and went to turn the first page.

With his longest tongs, while wearing gloves and a surgical mask, naturally.

He started to read:

On a Tiny stoopid plnet called EARTH there was a hyumun called

called Mella

mella DUCK

and she was a NORMAL HYUMUN. LOTS of people r PERFECTLY NORMAL and there is NOTHING suspicious abot them at all.

NORMAL.

nd she went to skool one day because that is NORMAL and she is also

well you know.

And she saw another hyumun but h was not a hyumun realy but you dont no that yet so forget it but he is not normal and that s importnt. But forget that.

And mella looked at him and then sommore because he was AMAZING and butiful and and strong and sha was thinking all wow He is great and great and she fell in LOVE with him just thn because he was so AMAZING and he was called ZIM (no relation)

and she said ZIM (no relation) i LOVE u u are just perfect you would be the best one to lead all the hyumuns becus yr so wondrfl

nd ZIM (no relation) said yes I would and he was right

nd he savd her from a angry trck and told her al things which r good words for LOVE and then they went to the woods and they talked and mella was happy and then she saw that he had skin all shiny and

GREEN

nd he sed to her this s th skin of a RULER OF ALL HYUMNITY

nd she sed yes

(he is clld ZIM and I am ZIMalso but the diffrence is I AM ZIM and I am nrmalhyumun wormbaby and this ZIM in ths story is AMAZING and he shud RULE YOU ALL nd iam not him but if u do see a GREEN person caled ZIM who does not look nrmL u shud submit to his mitey FIST. )

and then it ws bad becas mella ws attacked by a horrible person who was stUpid and mean and hideous n h was a JERK

and he was cld DIB

but ZIM fites him and

DIB IS NO MATCH FOR ZIM ZIM WILL TRIUMPH FEAR ZIM ZIM WILL RULE YOU ALL AS YOUR MASTER AND DIB IS A LOSER

and ZIM won and it was good and romntic

thE End

Dib blinked. Then shivered and dropped the 'book' into his already stuffed Zim file. Somehow, he didn't think that this particular plan warranted any further investigation. He went downstairs to eat some toast.

When Zim conquered the Earth three days later he was very, very annoyed.

**The End**


End file.
